The Natural Grief That Comes With Kids Growing Older

“Time is a thief,” is a phrase I have a love-hate relationship with.

It’s true in the sense of we need to realize time is something we do not get back, nor something we can control. However, because of those facts, we typical convince ourselves of guilt, fear or sadness.

We send ourselves into a spiral, asking “Am I doing enough?” “Am I giving all that I can?” “Am I spending enough time with my kids?”

We need to learn to shift our interpretation of time, from fear-driven that time is leaving us, to time is a momentary gift so you have to enjoy it while it is here.

You need to believe that how you are spending it is exactly how you are supposed to. If you begin to question it, that is where fear dives in and guilt rises. You either need to do something with that information, or stop making yourself feel bad on purpose.

“Time is a thief” can be a beautiful way to live life.

You can do it with no fear, regret or being sad.

It can nourish your life and make you love each moment. You will live knowing these are precious moments, that will turn into something you’ll miss one day.

There is no time like the present, so treat it well.

I have been thinking a lot about time in my personal life recently.

This re-evaluation started to come right before baby Bennett was turning one.

Which is a natural reaction. HOW DID A YEAR GO BY SO FAST??

When we started decorating for Halloween, it was hitting me that this year truly flew by. I was a hundred years pregnant last Halloween setting up these same decorations, patiently waiting for his arrival.

It feels as if I blinked myself into the future.

I started to question if I gave him the same opportunities and chances I did Bodhi during the first year.

With Bodhi, I was doing everything on my own, far away from family. Kody was in the USMC, and we were stationed down in Oceanside.

I had no friends in the area and none that had kids that I could talk to. My family was nowhere close. It was freshly “out of COVID,” so I didn’t have a lot to do.

Bodhi and I spent every moment together for the first fourteen months of his life. I was the primary caretaker and home-maker.

I did so many crafts, walks, park dates, and errands just the two of us. We had such a great routine and opportunities to bond. Though we had more great days than bad, it was not always as fun as it sounds.

I completely lost myself without knowing it. I made motherhood and homemaking my entire personality. I stopped doing things that made me grow, or that I enjoyed doing. Partly because I wasn’t given the opportunity to, but mostly because I forgot who I was.

I was more focused on surviving than thriving.

When you focus more on getting through, you don’t allow for perspective-interpretation. It is like putting blinders on without realizing it.

So after having Bennett, I told myself I wanted a different postpartum experience. I asked for help this time.

I was fortunate enough that my mom moved down the street, Kody’s schedule allowed him to be home a lot more, and Bodhi started preschool.

I was able to physically recover quicker, sleep more, have some alone time, and do things that I enjoy like working out, writing and coaching.

During my reflection on this past year, I started feeling badly: Did I take advantage of the opportunity to focus on me? Did I miss out too much by doing this? Was I around enough? Did I bond with the baby the same way with Bodhi?

The grief around a child’s birthday was hitting me hard.

I was really letting it get to me. I have had to really work through this guilt, knowing it is a natural reaction to feel as if the first year of life flew by.

Grief will grab hold tightly what your fears are, or the slightest ounce of regret, and expand them into huge intrusive thoughts. I think the majority of moms can agree that the grief we feel is not getting our tiny little babies back. That our tiny ones are growing into kids that won’t need us one day.

And with that your intrusive thought is going to say all that you did wrong (or convince you, you had wrongdoings.) It will make you regret every way you handled yourself.

There will always be areas to improve upon.

However, I will not make myself feel bad anymore for my experience this last year.

I have had two extremely opposite experiences, and one was not more right than the other. They are just in representation of the place in life we were.

This is what I do when I start to feel “time is a thief:”

• I take it as a learning opportunity to discover why I am feeling this way. I make myself reevaluate.

  • Why do I feel time is out of my grasp?

  • Where is my control going?

  • How am I spending my time?

• I write it out and evaluate the information.

  • Am I being hard on myself?

  • Are there areas of improvement?

  • Where did the shift happen and why?

• I make a plan to fix it.

  • Reassign my values, beliefs, and what is important to me.

  • Create a new goal plan.

  • Adjust my schedule\hourly planner