Filling Buckets and Tough Decisions
A month or so ago, Bodhi started to “wipe my kisses away,” and that should’ve been my first sign he was going through something.
Instead of asking why he wasn’t giving us love anymore, I was more self-centered and thinking about how it was bothering me. I know kids grow too old for their parents, but at three years old?? I didn't think my heart would break that early. It really hurt me, so I was trying to correct his behavior instead of diving deeper.
While this is happening, he started expressing these HUGE emotional breakdowns and hysterical fits. I was thinking maybe he hit that “threenager” stage late.
Bodhi has always been a sweet, quiet, kind, and a gentle kid, who can get goofy, loud, and stand his ground. At his core, screaming tantrums, and saying things like “I don’t care,” “go away,” “leave me alone,” and thinking it’s “funny” to tease, hurt, or blatantly not listen to someone, is absolutely not in his character.
It was like overnight he changed. He started expressing this wild behavior we couldn’t control. Nor get the time to correct, because he went to school.
Not everyday was like this. He did have his good days, but the behavior was happening more often than not. I was beginning to think this is just who he was becoming. I felt like I didn’t know him anymore.
I was at just such a loss and to what to do.
Was it ADHD? Emotional distress? Behavior disorder? Bipolar? He’s a mean kid??
You can really convince yourself of anything when you are so worried with stress.
My natural solution was to keep him home from school, so I could be the one to monitor and talk him through his big emotional fits. Not that I didn’t trust his teachers, or love his school, but when they have other kids to deal with, getting the one-on-one attention like he so clearly needed, was not going to happen.
On the other hand, this behavior was coming from somewhere.
If we were not teaching him these hurtful words, throwing ourselves on the ground during an argument, screaming on the top of our lungs, he had to be picking it up from his peers at school.
I felt less time in that environment and more time at home, so we could work on correcting his behavior, was my only choice.
The first time we kept him home was a Friday with Monday being a holiday, so we had a solid four days with him. By Monday night, he was a changed kid. No arguing, no tantrums, no hurtful words.
He was laughing, joking, listening, and being gentle.
He gave us kisses and hugs before bed, and said “I love you” -words he was refusing to say before.
It got me thinking, all he needed was us.
I know that seems pretty obvious, but no matter what, he was always getting the special attention he needed. Whether it was playing outside after school, art projects, cuddles, etc. We never thought he was deprived of the love he deserved.
We also were very aware of the fact that going from an only child, to having a baby in the house can affect their behavior. Bodhi never expressed distress during that transition period. He has always been understanding of the babies needs and changes that came. However, looking back now we can kind of pinpoint where the changes happened.
We found a combination of issues contributing to this new behavior.
The first of the problems began when the baby started to keep up with Bodhi.
The baby began to walk at nine months, which meant he had to be monitored a lot more. AKA given a lot more attention. This is also when he started doing more interactive play with all of us. Something Bodhi was absolutely loving. He was finally getting to play with his baby brother.
He would get to play with baby in the morning, and not want to stop when it was time to leave for school. The “five more minutes” game started.
We would take him to school, and he would watch us leave without him. Bodhi is a smart kid and understood we were all home, while he was at school.
He also knew Grandma would help watch the baby while I worked, so he was feeling left out for a lot of reasons.
The second issue developing at this time was Bodhi being subjected to extreme behaviors at school expressed by kids who were trying to get what they want. So, he would participate in the same behavior due to frustration and trying to get what he wants.
Not truly knowing what the “want” was -being home with us. Now I am not saying Bodhi is not capable of creating bad choices on his own, any three year old is. However, a lot of what he was doing was not something he just made up. He was observing it and storing that information away for when he felt the time was right.
He had so much built up confusion, he just didn’t know how to express it.
While this was happening- the baby growing too quickly for me to grasp and Bodhi expressing the need for us- I started questioning my choices in life.
That mom guilt hits, like well, a mother f*****. Between the two of them telling me time is fragile and something you can’t get back in such different ways, I didn’t know if I was making the right choices by working.
I was beating myself up, because he should always come first. How could there even be a question?
The other side was, I love my clients and I worked so hard for years trying to build up my business. People were counting on me, how could I walk away?
The question of where I should spend my time was making me confused, because if I was still passionate about helping people, I wouldn’t want to walk away from coaching.
And at the end of the day, I know that statement isn’t true. The guilt and questioning can make your intrusive thoughts loud and your fears come to light.
It was just a hole I went down, of “what do I want from life?”
I started to rework my formula to my vision. It’s not quite there, and it’s clearly never something permanent. But I am doing the work now so by the end of 2025 I don’t feel this sense of questioning like I am now.
This is also when I start practicing for that new routine, schedule, and habits I want to establish for next year.
It has been about three weeks of us changing his schedule to spend more time at home.
We had to make the tough decision to either pull him out completely, or cut back his days. Like I said, I have had to do a lot of reevaluating, because the schedule change would only conflict with my schedule.
I am confident that pulling him two to three days a week will make him feel more a part of the family-something he was craving. I think the less exposure to “boy behavior” will teach him the proper way to treat others and speak kindly.
If I have to change it later because it isn’t working, then I will.
However, in the meantime, it has given me an opportunity to restructure my programs.
