Is it Okay if Preschool Doesn’t Work Out?; Am I Pulling Bodhi?

I have been battling with this for months now.

The last time I touched on Bodhi’s school-life was because of his huge emotional shift in behavior. He was expressing behavior that was concerning and something I didn’t feel like was his.

Majority of his behavior was because he was seeking more attention and not understanding how to express it. He wasn't sure how to interpret his emotions, and wasn’t being shown how to handle these big feelings and frustrations- and yes, learning a lot from peers as well.

We refocused his schedule for more time at home.

His behavior has greatly improved, but I never knew if it was enough balance between school and home.

I was already home with Bennett and cutting back work hours. I started to think, “well why can’t Bodhi be here too?” And the battle on what to do with preschool continued.

The decision hasn’t been easy because we love the school, the staff, and he adores all his friends and teachers.

I have come to be very comfortable placing him in someone else’s care there. I know he is loved and watched over. So again, the decision was not easy. How could I pull him from a loving, caring, and welcoming environment where all his friends are?

The decision has started to become clearer when I spent time filling out TK\ Kinder applications.

This is when I started to realize how quickly life is flying by. He will either start TK in the fall, or Kindergarten in a year. Regardless of six months or a year, our flexible schedule and life will look a lot different. Soon enough our life will be centered around Elementary School.

And I am not sure if I am ready for that.

When I started to think about time and how little it all seems, a sense of panic started rushing over me.

That B**** of Mom-Guilt started creeping in saying I have wasted all this time with him at school when he should have been with me. Your intrusive thoughts can literally be so mean. However, I put it all into perspective.

Bodhi started preschool a few months into my pregnancy which was good timing. I had a borderline high risk pregnancy where I needed a lot of downtime. I had a slight Placenta Previa where part of my placenta was blocking my cervix causing bleeding. The more I moved throughout the day, the more blood came out.

It was terrifying to see. As someone who has had a miscarriage, the sight of blood during pregnancy is very unsettling.

I needed Bodhi occupied during the day, so I could rest and not strain. I wasn’t able to run and chase and play with him as normal, so school gave him what he needed at that time.

When Bennett was born, I was able to rest a lot more when Bodhi went to school so I could give him all my attention and energy when he got home. It allowed me to recharge so I could be a better person for him.

But, life looks a lot different now.

After that one year post-baby, life begins to look and feel normal.

You settle into your new life and have your routines.

My new routine feels very much like it did before Bodhi went to school when it was just the two of us.

I am taking Bennett through the same schedule\routine I once had. So, the question is, why can’t Bodhi fit into it too?

I am 90% sure I know what I will do, but I don’t want to make it for selfish reasons.

I don’t want to pull him from his friends, his environment, and his teachers because I want to spend more time with him. Even seeing that sentence laid out seems so silly- how is that selfish?

I just want to consider his wants and needs before I make a decision I can’t take back.

I am going to do a trial run for the month of February, so I will report back.

Let’s figure out preschool before I think about the choice between TK or Kinder- my little heart can only take so much.