Navigating Gratitude & Grief of Loss in Life
Gratitude and grief play the game tug of war in your head.
Gratitude is what continues to bring blessings into our life. Acknowledgment of the good keeps us motivated, pushing forward, and happy. You have to be grateful for the life you live (yes, even if you want bigger things in life.)
However, what if you have lost someone? How can you stay grateful through the navigation of your loss?
To hold a standard of gratitude in your life after a tragedy seems so backwards. It seems wrong. It’s uncomfortable to be grateful and happy for the life you live after what you have gone through.
And some days its near impossible to hold that standard up.
That is what I have been going through in my head lately.
This Christmas, it will be five years since I lost my sister. I can remember how I have felt the last five years on the anniversary.
The first year I was in shock because I finally accepted it.
The second one was delusional denial.
The third was a peaceful acceptance.
Last year I was consumed by a newborn, so it was passed over as if the day never came.
This one is shock, anger, denial of the time that has passed, and sadness.
For five years I have been living two separate lives: one I am a grieving sister, and the other one I am thriving and loving life.
I have two streams of life. I can step into the roles when needed, typically living in the latter. It is something natural my brain did that I had no control over. I haven’t given it a second thought because it didn’t bother me. However, lately my worlds have been merging and it has been hard to separate myself.
That is why gratitude has been challenging lately. I am having a hard time upholding my gratitude when I am grieving so hard again.
I know how lucky I am to wake up each day, in a safe and comfortable home, with two amazing kids, a husband that loves me deeply, and everything I need to live. I am extremely grateful. But I get those moments of “what does any of this matter when she was taken from us?”
I don’t think there will ever be a true time in my life where I am not grateful, but sometimes I have to work extra hard to discover it.
And that is okay. I have to remind myself, just because I am grieving a loss, doesn’t mean my life is terrible. It is quite the opposite, how lucky am I to have something to be grateful for.
